So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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