You're a womanizer and a bitch.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
