Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
operation harelip BJ is a go
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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