My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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