Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!