My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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