Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
