Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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