I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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