Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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