Duck Duck Cougar?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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