My brain says no but my pants say off.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
We smell like vodka and hangover
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