Fine. I'll sleep in my office
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
