I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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