Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
