i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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