and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
