You're my little dorito
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
