There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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