My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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