Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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