How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
