Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
