I wish they made helmets for livers.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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