Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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