i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
