so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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