I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
