if i can run in heels then i can drive
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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