there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
