My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
It's shark week go big or go home
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
