You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
