I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
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So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
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I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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