well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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