party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
