Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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