but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
