I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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