Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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