If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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