you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
