Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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