i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
