I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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