yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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