He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
