I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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