I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
