I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
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