a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
