I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
