hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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