I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
