I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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