Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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