u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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