I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
